The Future according to Me

Rodney Dangerfield's comedy album No Respect.

Rodney Dangerfield’s comedy album No Respect. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have always felt I was never the “white picket fence” type.  I just didn’t know how to express or explain my point of view to those I felt was important in my life.  they never felt how important it was to me that I was telling them the truth.  I am being pushed by some other force than ego.  I am being forced by life.  By what is right.  I am being forced by what I have always felt since I was 8 years old.

I used to watch the Rodney Dangerfield Young Comedians’ Special on New Year’s Eve with my cousin Shawn and Raquel.  I used to watch Rosanne Barr and Sam Kinison belt out their views on life and religion and I always felt, “That will be ME some day!”  But I didn’t know how.  So all I DID know was the I needed to be in any production of anything as I grew up.  I would be in my 6th grade play my teacher created and then I went for my 8th grade play and I auditioned for “Chief Running Water” for a silly “tied to the tracks” production.  I won the part I was asking for and my bug bit.  But not until about 20 years later did I take it seriously.

I have performed about 2 dozen times in front of audiences from 6 to 160 in Michigan.  The Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase, the Comedy Castle in Royal Oak and Joey’s in Livonia were my venues.  I bombed a few times but I killed most of the time.  This kept me going.  I met some great comedians and still have kept friends with them to this day.  Now that I am in another state, Kentucky, I still have it in my heart.  I still write every chance I get.  And I have some great stuff.  My story is unique and I know I can help and make folks laugh and feel incredible.  I am beginning to get the bug again but this time I want it to count.  This is in my blood and I can not stop it whether people close to me think otherwise.  They need to know this isn’t about them.  My destiny is mine.

And soon you will know as well.

More to  come…see you soon!


Thank you Ellen Degeneres, We are working on being kind to one another! YOU INSPIRE!

I am Jim Barger. My wife, Lori and I visited Shriner‘s Children’s Hospital in Lexington Kentucky this afternoon. We met the AMAZING staff and the INCREDIBLE KIDS there and were SO MOVED by them there is no way we will only keep it to one visit! Our mission is to let EVERYONE know how they, too, can help out in someway.  Whether it be a gift or just a smile and your time. Thank you Beth English and Bethany Alcorn for your awesome guidance! With your acceptance, we would LOVE to visit in the near future! And a very special Thank you to Ellen Degeneres and The Ellen Show!  You continue to inspire us to REALLY BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER!!



FAT possum

FAT possum

Possum broke into the local bakery and ate so many pastries he couldnt move! This is how the bakery owners found him!!

“Jumping the Shark” – A Movie/TV Geeks Thoughts on Entertainment’s History – Past, Present and Future.

Every 3 to 7 years it seems TV, television programming seems to “jump the shark” in hopes to perk up more ratings.  And with reality television becoming such a main staple and now they are using its contestants.  Yes, I am generalizing and calling ALL those that participate in these shows no matter if purposely labelled a game show or the ones that stick you in a fancy loft with 6 other strangers…you ALL are contestants on “The Truman Show” now.


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It doesn’t stop at the credits each week…the tabloids are attacking these average joes like they were the Kennedys.  The Teen pregnacy shows…these poor kids couldn’t juggle Algebra and deciding whether to stop drinking soda all to together ooooooooorrrr just switch to Diet soda…! And now they are ON the COVERS of these magazines giving their advice on motherhood and helping teens decide whether to get a boob job or liposuction this summer.

The term, ‘Jumping the Shark’, was created because of a blatant lack of creativity on behalf of the writers at “Happy Days” the year the season ended with the cliffhanger of Henry Winkler’s AWESOME character, “the Fonz”, whom water skis and literally jumps a shark…….in the middle of a lake..?…was it?  Either way television has been “Jumping the Shark” ever since.

You could probably say the movie industry is in the middle of a “Jumping the Shark” type couple of years.  So many remakes of movies made inside of 25 years, they have CLEARLY jumped the shark.  Comic book movies I can understand because these stories need the technology to match the amazing graphics and artistry put down on paper. The remakes or “re-imagining” of movies like “Fright Night” and “Ghostbusters”.  Whether rewritten to give a new modern day perspective or not, it doesn’t matter…we need independent films to get more face time.  There ARE original ideas out there but the mega-blockbuster production companies won’t take a break from these ridiculously overbudgeted “films”.  The prices of the tickets to see them have gone up along with the movie sets…I mean, if you are going to charge $18 for a ticket then you better dose my $5 Diet Coke with some LSD so that I won’t get a migraine from watching things blow up for 2 hours straight.  Make the price match the trip…just drop some ecstacy in my Cherry flavored Icee…trust me you’ll get a thumbs WAAAY UP!

This last “jumping the shark” crest began with a character on American Idol. Hated by most, loved by mostly….this girl



Yes folks I blame the latest lack of creativity on this man(?)




Look at that dumb face….laughed all the way to the bank!

This is a new series I’m calling, “Jumping the Shark” – A Movie/TV Geeks Thoughts on Entertainment’s History – Past, Present and Future.

Contact me or reblog/reply with your thoughts on my thoughts!

Thank you,


What I want….

Watching the movie “The Dilemma” with Vince Vaughn and Kevin James.  The same old concept…best friend sees other best friends’ wife cheating and now has to tell him in a way that won’t mess things up for their work/friendship blah blah blah…I’m talking about the scene where Vince Vaughn was making a toast at his girlfriend’s parents 40th wedding anniversary party, it got me thinking…not about trust issues or even this stupid movie which might not be dumb..its still playing as I type this.  I needed to get this off of my chest….I have wasted my life for so long.  I will be 36 years old come October and I nothing to show for it.  Don’t get me wrong, I DO have a wonderful 8 almost 9 year old son with a horrible ex-wife and now I have an amazing 3 year old with my new wife of almost 3 years now…I have them, but as for what I have that will allow me to say “I have no regrets”…”I did it my way”….I have nothing.  I am starting over in my life after several jobs I’ve had, only to be laid off after being promoted in them….My life is filled with bills, backed up child support due to not being able to find even a shit job slinging snot to get something to my horribly evil ex-wife whom accrues about $50,000 a year working for the Post Office…..My son is taken care of, I am not a deadbeat father but I am depressed and stressed and out of Zoloft…so things seem worse than ever…I am tired of not having anything to toast to…I want nothing more than to be sitting next to my wife Lori in about 40 years and have someone toast that we did “our best, shot for the moon and took no prisoners while reaching for the stars”…I want nothing more than to hear that…but I will not ever hear that until I start doing things my way!  Until I start doing what I love and say what I want.  I’ve always known I wouldn’t do things the cookie cutter way but I tried, I tried so hard to fight what I really want.  What I want for me, for my family, for this world.  I know I have much more to give.  I know I am here for more than just witty comebacks and fat jokes in front of friends and family.

The only way to find happiness is to start making it.

I AM pajamaMOUTH and you WILL be hearing from me soon…VERY soon!

“Thoughts during a tornado while ducking down by wine bottles at a Walmart Superstore”

A Tornado has been spotted 10 minutes from here, moving in our direction.  Where am I?  I’m at the Walmart Superstore, hoping for safety but I got laughs instead……

My wife just informed me that a guy from our neighborhood is here too.  Rumor has it that this particular guy cheated on his wife with a 400lb whale that would and has allowed anyone to just walk right into her stankhole….hmm, thoughts begin to flutter….Glad I could be dying next to the core of humanity’s moral fiber…if he collapses, he is on his own, if he has been able to survive sex with a whale AND continued living afterwards while absorbing this whale’s past and present fluids, he’ll be able to survive anything.  He won’t need my help.  So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.  Thanks LamMAH!
More thoughts float about….huh, Looking around the crowd…there just might be one or two losses the world would end up missing…
Flutter, flutter….One of the only times being fat may be a life saving tool is during a tornado.  One, you have blubber to catch shrapnel before it hits a major organ and two, lets see this wind pick me up before that woman that has the scowl on her face with the eating disorder…maybe if she ate something she wouldn’t have stomach pain, ever think of that dipshit?….Ooop, add one more that might be missed…man, where did you come from lady?  Seeing her in here is like seeing a Victoria Secrets model wandering into a ComicCon….
Jesus, already there’s about 8 older women who have found lawn chairs and blankets and have huddled around each other undoubtedly bitching about how cold this section of the store is.  A tornado is coming and they are complaining about how expensive beef jerky is, when they haven’t tasted beef jerky since their sophomore year in college…and that beef jerky belonged to Susan, the resident dorm lesbian down the hall.  She use to break in all of the curious or confused…..
My mind is going crazy when I see a little kid in a basket…with a mohawk.  Should they just go ahead and start a wrap sheet on the 5 year old boys with mohawks?  Just to get the paperwork started, right?  You just know that his mother has a tramp stamp the size of the grill from a ’79 Buick above her ass crack and a barbell through her clit the size of a railroad tie……..MAN, Camel Toe is an epidemic in this store……a stampede of Camel Toe, if you will…..
Huh, I wonder what…..oh wait, we have the all clear…the tornado missed us, we’re safe and unfortunately for us, so are the rest of these people.

Just more of my pajamaMOUTH thoughts…..

Mrs. Marcus’ affair with a Zombie – Volume 2 of “The Zombie Witness” Series

March 3, 2014  1:45 pm est

Move over Fiona Apple, Charlie’s mom has been a bad, bad girl.  For years now.  We always knew it would bite her on the ass in the end but we never thought it would end the way it did.  The wind current caused by the butterfly’s wings.

Mrs. Marcus had many affairs but this one was different.  She thought she was falling in love.  It was different not only because of the love she was feeling but also because this gent had a legit job she’d be proud to leave her husband of 17 years for.  This fellow was a scientist!  And he could screw like the dickens!  No problems blowin’ her top with this guy.  He knew all of the right spots to touch and tap and rub….including her purse strings.  Mr. Marcus thought his lovely wife was using her part-time job salary on those new shoes and outfits when in fact she never had a job.  Unless you count going down on the good doctor in the parking lot of a Denny’s during his lunch hour.  Then she had many “jobs”.  And she did them well!  This time, on this day, the good doctor complained about a stomach ailment and a fever.  So she knew this afternoon she would be doing all of the work herself but she didn’t mind in the least, for she would do anything for this man at this point.  Even swallow.  She would never think about serving Mr. Marcus in such a way.  Not since their freshman year of marriage, that is.  She really wanted the good doctor to stick around and she would do anything to keep it that way.

So this day was no different  than the past year and a half when she would make sure he wouldn’t stray.  The only difference was that she about yacked after he finished.  It was not the same this time.  She could barely stand it.  All she thought was that it must have been his sickness that caused such a horrendous taste.  “He must be on some real awful medicine”, she thought, “Note to self sweetie, ‘take a day off every once in a while’ “. She took it like a champ and kissed him on his extremely hot forehead before she left him in his car in the Denny’s parking lot.

“Love you honey!  I’ll talk to you tonight.  Get some rest and I will see you tomorrow.”  She gets out of his BMW, looks around suspiciously and trots over to her minivan, slyly making her exit.  As she pulls out in to traffic she takes a glimpse into her rear-view mirror to see that the good doctor hasn’t moved from his spot.  “Perhaps he is checking his I-Phone for emails from work or texting  his wife that he’d be home soon…”, she thought, “Get better soon doc, i’m gonna need some real loving tomorrow night!”

March 3, 2014  2:09 pm est

Dr. Lewis felt like shit!  He couldn’t believe the new specimen that arrived the night before had sneezed its bloody nose right into his eyes first thing this morning.  “GODDAMN POSSUM LOOKING PIECE OF SHIT!”, he screamed, echoing through the lab as his colleagues chuckled.  They didn’t like Dr. Lewis much.  You could see as they all locked eyes with one another giving each other mental ‘high-fives’.  Dr. Lewis always made them do their work 7 times over to make sure no one screwed up because, as he always said, “It’s MY ass that’s on the line here!” Well, now it’s his ass that has to explode in the Denny’s restroom toilet.  There is NO way he can wait the 15 minute drive back to lab.  It was ‘go time’!  Mrs. Marcus was long gone at this point so he didn’t have to worry about her sticking around, wondering what he was up to, just to find out he has the worst diarrhea of his life.  This was much needed alone time.  He bolts out of his car making sure his ass cheeks don’t separate as he heads into the diner right passed the hostess and rampaging through the bathroom door not giving any regard to the possibility that there might be someone on the other side about to get a door flat in the nose.  Luckily, he was alone and he got the handicap stall for extra comfort.  In his rush to release the hounds, so to speak, he left his I-Phone in his BMW.  If he had brought it in with him he would have been getting the texts and the phone calls to have him first, “RUSH BACK TO THE LAB! SPECIMEN IS ON A RAMPAGE! NEED ADVICE!” Then secondly, “DO NOT COME BACK HERE, SPECIMEN ATTACKING EVERYDFHDSFH”. Then finally he would have heard the call or the voicemail that sounded more like someone left a message from inside the Chimpanzee home at the zoo because they didn’t have chimps at his lab, only rodent type animals, he would have found this very alarming.  What was more alarming to him right now was that, not loose feces but bloody clumps of tissue were exiting him.  By the time the good doctor looks down inside the toilet to realize this horrible nightmare is true, he keels over onto the almost as disgusting Denny’s bathroom floor.  The pain is unbearable.  It feels as though someone was shoving habaneros up his ass, repeatedly.  And now they have made their way up through his intestines and into his stomach.  He’s violently throwing up now.  Projectile vomiting what looks like bloody clots and tissue.

The virus has taken hold.  Left alone long enough, his hunger for flesh will peak and he has a buffet waiting for him right outside that restroom door.

If he’s lucky the next shift’s busboy will enter to take his last piss and tuck in his shirt before serving the blue hairs from Whitehurst.  For this is Senior discount hour…and there’s a line at the door.  But this day, Sonny the busboy won’t have to worry about getting pinched on the butt by the fat and friendly blue haired ladies(former whores from the fragile 40s).  For this day, he will be quitting his job but not in anger but in fear.

March 3, 2014  2:22 pm est

Sonny enters the men’s room dreading the day’s long shift.  Using the urinal for one last shake before tucking his shirt in and splashing his face with ice cold water to help him wake up and dry out from the joint he smoked on his walk in to work.  He put his earbuds back in his ears to start the day off right with some Bad Religion pouring into his brain, cleansing all of the ‘bullshit’ his teachers tried to jam in during the day.  “Thank god I’ll be graduating this year.  I can’t take much more of this shit” , he thought, “Then its off to Hollywood to start my career in band management.” Sonny already has an internship set up with Capitol Records.  He already has a hostel picked out until he can get on his feet and move into an apartment.  He has it all lined up.  Or so he thought.  Fixing his hair in the mirror and properly rocking out to some ‘Infected’ on his I-Pod.  He closes his eyes  to belt out the chorus just at the right moment to allow him not to see the good doctor slowly appearing behind him as if he were being raised from an invisible elevator.  The attack happens in less time than he can yell out an, “OH YEEEAHHH!” following the chorus—Dr. Lewis lunges forward and immediately latches on with a chomp on the side of the busboy’s neck!  Dr. Zombie has wrapped his arms around Sonny’s torso and arms leaving his bites unattended and unrelenting!  It leaves Sonny no choice but to back up frantically, pinning the good doctor between him and the wall.  The zombie snaps back his head at the same time ripping the busboy’s flesh from his body but hitting his dead head against the wall behind them cracking its own skull and dropping him to the floor letting go of the terrified high schooler.  The force of all of this action causes Sonny to fall forward writhing in anguish.  Grabbing at his neck, he notices he is bleeding heavily near what he remembers from Biology class as being his jugular vein.  “Its not squirting out, he frantically thinks, “so I should be okay as long as I get to a hospital”. Without even looking back at his assailant, Sonny attacks the bathroom door leaving much plasma and fright on the interior of the not-so-rest-room while making his exit.  As he flees the confines of this smelly and now bloody bathroom, the door slowly closes blocking the view of the former Dr. Lewis sprawled against the wall with a little piece of the busboy left in his mouth….the zombie begins to twitch, for this was just the beginning and no one at this point knows how to stop him.  No one will, until they are confronted with the only option left, if they are still alive to try it, that is.  As the bad doctor now lies alone on the floor twitching away, all you can hear from inside the blood-bathroom is Sonny echoing in the dining room while running out through the front lobby doors, “CALL 9-1-1!!!!  CALL 9-1-1!!!!  HELP!!!!HELP!!!” This little piggy went ‘wee-wee-wee’ all the way home.  He figured since he just lived 3 blocks away, Mommy ‘busboy’ could drive him to the emergency room faster than waiting for an ambulance.

March 3, 2014  2:45pm est


Kardington Laboratories on the westside of the city has gone on lock-down!  WE REPEAT!  AT APPROXIMATELY 2:16PM SOMEONE FROM INSIDE OF KARDINGTON LABORATORIES HAD MADE A CALL TO 9-1-1 ASKING FOR EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLES AND WHAT WE THINK WAS A URGENT REQUEST FOR A CALL TO BE MADE TO THE MILITARY.  We are trying to obtain the original 9-1-1 recording and as soon as we get it we will let you hear it ‘LIVE’ with us.  We’re sure this is only an exercise but keep it here and we will keep you posted on this developing story.  On an unrelated story, police are being called to a Denny’s restaurant about a disturbance involving an employee.  We will update you on this story at the 6 o’clock news hour. Now back to your regularly scheduled program, “One Life to Live”.


** “Have you ever heard a Zombie laugh before? – Volume 3 of “The Zombie Witness” series coming soon**


Zombie-Hamsters were the culprits. Volume 1

March 3, 2014  9:55pm est

Mrs. Marcus (Mom) is slowly turning into a zombie.  She is “hungry” so she walks into her teen son’s (Charlie) room.  Perhaps to find him sleeping so she could munch on her first born.  She enters noticing quickly that he is not sleeping nor even in his room tonight.  He has run out when he was supposed to be grounded.  She can not think of this right now as her belly rumbles for something more than the blueberry yogurt and Jenny Craig dinners the freezer has developed little ice castles on.  She wants neither of these things….she wants meat, so to speak, and meat is what she sees.  The meat, in the form of 3 plump furry friends by the names of Billy Willy Do-Do, Travis Smelly and Andy Dicky Do.  These are her son’s hamsters.  They were always cute.  Now they look yummy.  Mrs. Marcus snatches Travis up quickly and begins to sniff his little body as if she were testing out his name.  You can see it in her eyes that she is beginning to mean business.  The virus has almost peaked. The next step is tasting what the urge has been screaming.  She closes her eyes, opens her mouth, raises the tiny fur ball to her face and slowly pushes Travis’ footsie into her diseased mouth.  She then bites his short fucking leg off with a frightful squeak and snap of Travis’ toothpick-like bone.  What’s left of the real Mrs. Marcus, confronts herself looking into the mirror hanging on the wall over the hamster cage, crunching down on what use to be one hell of a wheel spinner.  The human disgust takes over as she begins dry heaving and she throws Travis back into his cage.  The poor furry tripod is left to agonize with his kin Billy Willy Do-Do and Andy Dicky Do.  They are obviously concerned and run to the opposite side of the cage away from poor Travis ‘Tripod’ Smelly.

Cover of a comic book created by PETA as part ...

Image via Wikipedia

Mrs. Marcus runs out of the room and down the hall gagging and growling at the same time.  Mr. Marcus Sr.(Dad) sees this as he walks by the stairs leading to the second level of their home.  As he trots up the stairs after his wife, you can hear him mutter insensitively, “She better not be pregnant again or else!” He gets to the door and starts to knock impatiently, “Hun?  You okay?  Let me in please.  Do you want me to call Dr. Powell?”  He hears only silence now, the virus takes hold-she is dead now-but not for long, and decides to bust in after his wife.  The door closes behind him.  Now there are only muffled sounds of his voice followed by a horrendous screech and a tussle and then silence.  Mrs. Marcus got her meat on.

It is now 10:03 in the evening.  Good thing Charlie was bad tonight.  Hopefully by the time he sneaks back in Mom and Pop will be feasting next door or even better yet, they’ll be down the street at the new buffet that opened up, formerly known as The Whitehurst Home for Senior Citizens.  One could only morbidly hope.  For Charlie’s sake that is.

March 4, 2014  3:49am est

Charlie gets home late.  Stoned.  Drunk.  Ready to sleep.  He stumbles through the front door, apparently not caring at this point as to how loud he is being and at this point, does it really matter?  He makes it up the stairs passed the bloody banisters and bloody puddles on Mom’s beloved $60 a yard carpet that surrounds him.  Of course he doesn’t notice.  As well he doesn’t notice the bloody smears on the once closed bathroom door Mom and Pop had been behind just a few hours before.  “No need to pee, just to sleep“, he thinks to himself.  Charlie also thinks to himself why is his damn door is open but since he can barely stand at this point he decides to just slam it shut behind him in loud defiance towards the parental units.  “They’re going to pay”, he thinks, “when I move out and stop speaking to them, ha ha.” At last, the long awaited firm mattress and comfy cold sheets.  Charlie plops face first on to his bed and doesn’t move.  His last thoughts before he clunks into dreamland is, “Oh shit!  I forgot to feed ‘the boys’….ah, oh well, I’ll feed them extra when I wake up.  Sorry fellas, I know you’re hungry.  I will make it up to you.” Yes Charlie.  You will.  No worries, all you need to do is lie still.  They’ll do all of the work for you.  Who are ‘The boys’, you ask?  Oh they are Billy Willy Do-Do, Travis Tripod Smelly and Andy Dicky Do.  Now the other two go by a different name as well.  They can’t seem to decide on the right name right now, all they can think of is how hungry they are and they are no longer in the mood for hamster meat.  They smell teenager meat right outside their cage and this cage cannot hold them for long.  The virus has taken hold of them much quicker than it did Mrs. Marcus.  Charlie’s snores sound more like a dinner bell to these tiny little demons.  Sshhhh Charlie, it’s time for ‘the boys’ to poke and prod you now.  Ssshhhh, sleep tight.  Don’t let the zombie hamsters bite!  PETA is about to have their point made, ominously.

March 4, 2014  6:49am est

Dawn arrives with pain.  A lot of pain.  Charlie is laying on his back at this point.  While Charlie was away playing, he missed out on witnessing his mommy snapping off his pet hamster’s footsie…he also missed out on seeing his furry little tripod’d buddy tearing up his own kin and in turn creating little furry ravenous balls of fright….and he also missed out on, while being completely passed out, the fact that these clever creatures had crawled up his overly loose pant leg and entered his not-so-overly-loose asshole(Charlie had secrets).  The pain he is beginning to feel now that he is waking from his drunken slumber is not unlike one would feel if they were having small rodents chewing their way out of ones tummy…because, in fact, there are small rodents eating their way out of his tummy.  He lifts his shirt to reveal his skin being stretched and pushed in all different directions as his tiny buddies finish their travels through his intestines and are ready to break free like Andy Duschane in The Shawshank Redemption, pushing his way through the top soil and rain soaked sod.  Except its not top soil and its not sod they are clawing out of.  He lets out a shrill of terror as he notices his furry former friends Travis (Tripod), Billy Willy and Andy fuckin’ Dicky climbing out of his abdomen.  Charlie was moments, possibly seconds away from thinking his last human thought and the only thing that keeps coming to his mind is the culprit behind this maddness isn’t so much his new zombie pets but the reason behind being able to sleep through this ridiculous amount of torture that has been bestowed upon him for the past couple of hours has got to be that devilish liquid known as Four Loko, mixed with every and any type of liquor in his school buddy’s step-dad’s liquor cabinet.  He always swore it would be the last night he would take part in such absurdity.  Well, he was right.  It was his last night.

March 4, 2014  6:59am est

RIP – Charles Allan Marcus Jr. and his family.

But how did Mrs. Marcus contract this awful virus and where did it come from?  For that you will have to read the next installment in this new series of stories that come together and will be known as “The Zombie Witness”.  Eat your heart out Twilight disciples, literally, eat your hearts out.  PLEASE!

The next volume will be called “Mrs. Marcus’ Affair with a Zombie” or “Business as usual”  You decide.