The Future according to Me

Rodney Dangerfield's comedy album No Respect.

Rodney Dangerfield’s comedy album No Respect. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have always felt I was never the “white picket fence” type.  I just didn’t know how to express or explain my point of view to those I felt was important in my life.  they never felt how important it was to me that I was telling them the truth.  I am being pushed by some other force than ego.  I am being forced by life.  By what is right.  I am being forced by what I have always felt since I was 8 years old.

I used to watch the Rodney Dangerfield Young Comedians’ Special on New Year’s Eve with my cousin Shawn and Raquel.  I used to watch Rosanne Barr and Sam Kinison belt out their views on life and religion and I always felt, “That will be ME some day!”  But I didn’t know how.  So all I DID know was the I needed to be in any production of anything as I grew up.  I would be in my 6th grade play my teacher created and then I went for my 8th grade play and I auditioned for “Chief Running Water” for a silly “tied to the tracks” production.  I won the part I was asking for and my bug bit.  But not until about 20 years later did I take it seriously.

I have performed about 2 dozen times in front of audiences from 6 to 160 in Michigan.  The Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase, the Comedy Castle in Royal Oak and Joey’s in Livonia were my venues.  I bombed a few times but I killed most of the time.  This kept me going.  I met some great comedians and still have kept friends with them to this day.  Now that I am in another state, Kentucky, I still have it in my heart.  I still write every chance I get.  And I have some great stuff.  My story is unique and I know I can help and make folks laugh and feel incredible.  I am beginning to get the bug again but this time I want it to count.  This is in my blood and I can not stop it whether people close to me think otherwise.  They need to know this isn’t about them.  My destiny is mine.

And soon you will know as well.

More to  come…see you soon!

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A Star Wars Geek’s Wet Dream!

 

A bunch of geeks just covered their lap with their dictionaries just now.

I think I just heard a Star Wars enthuuuuusiast cumming in his pleated tan Dockers…you’ll know by the hearing the sounds of a Mallard when you know damn well there ain’t no pond around! {HOOOOONGGK!!!} Followed by a ‘snockle’ (My word, its two words mashed :

Snockle – snot” and “chuckle“, [definition] : When one blows snot out of his nose onto himself(usually on the lips & chin) while trying to hold in a chuckle {a not-so subtle quick outburst of laughter})

“Jumping the Shark” – A Movie/TV Geeks Thoughts on Entertainment’s History – Past, Present and Future.

Every 3 to 7 years it seems TV, television programming seems to “jump the shark” in hopes to perk up more ratings.  And with reality television becoming such a main staple and now they are using its contestants.  Yes, I am generalizing and calling ALL those that participate in these shows no matter if purposely labelled a game show or the ones that stick you in a fancy loft with 6 other strangers…you ALL are contestants on “The Truman Show” now.

 

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It doesn’t stop at the credits each week…the tabloids are attacking these average joes like they were the Kennedys.  The Teen pregnacy shows…these poor kids couldn’t juggle Algebra and deciding whether to stop drinking soda all to together ooooooooorrrr just switch to Diet soda…! And now they are ON the COVERS of these magazines giving their advice on motherhood and helping teens decide whether to get a boob job or liposuction this summer.

The term, ‘Jumping the Shark’, was created because of a blatant lack of creativity on behalf of the writers at “Happy Days” the year the season ended with the cliffhanger of Henry Winkler’s AWESOME character, “the Fonz”, whom water skis and literally jumps a shark…….in the middle of a lake..?…was it?  Either way television has been “Jumping the Shark” ever since.

You could probably say the movie industry is in the middle of a “Jumping the Shark” type couple of years.  So many remakes of movies made inside of 25 years, they have CLEARLY jumped the shark.  Comic book movies I can understand because these stories need the technology to match the amazing graphics and artistry put down on paper. The remakes or “re-imagining” of movies like “Fright Night” and “Ghostbusters”.  Whether rewritten to give a new modern day perspective or not, it doesn’t matter…we need independent films to get more face time.  There ARE original ideas out there but the mega-blockbuster production companies won’t take a break from these ridiculously overbudgeted “films”.  The prices of the tickets to see them have gone up along with the movie sets…I mean, if you are going to charge $18 for a ticket then you better dose my $5 Diet Coke with some LSD so that I won’t get a migraine from watching things blow up for 2 hours straight.  Make the price match the trip…just drop some ecstacy in my Cherry flavored Icee…trust me you’ll get a thumbs WAAAY UP!

This last “jumping the shark” crest began with a character on American Idol. Hated by most, loved by mostly….this girl

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Yes folks I blame the latest lack of creativity on this man(?)

 

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Look at that dumb face….laughed all the way to the bank!

This is a new series I’m calling, “Jumping the Shark” – A Movie/TV Geeks Thoughts on Entertainment’s History – Past, Present and Future.

Contact me or reblog/reply with your thoughts on my thoughts!

Thank you,

pjMOUTH!

What I want….

Watching the movie “The Dilemma” with Vince Vaughn and Kevin James.  The same old concept…best friend sees other best friends’ wife cheating and now has to tell him in a way that won’t mess things up for their work/friendship blah blah blah…I’m talking about the scene where Vince Vaughn was making a toast at his girlfriend’s parents 40th wedding anniversary party, it got me thinking…not about trust issues or even this stupid movie which might not be dumb..its still playing as I type this.  I needed to get this off of my chest….I have wasted my life for so long.  I will be 36 years old come October and I nothing to show for it.  Don’t get me wrong, I DO have a wonderful 8 almost 9 year old son with a horrible ex-wife and now I have an amazing 3 year old with my new wife of almost 3 years now…I have them, but as for what I have that will allow me to say “I have no regrets”…”I did it my way”….I have nothing.  I am starting over in my life after several jobs I’ve had, only to be laid off after being promoted in them….My life is filled with bills, backed up child support due to not being able to find even a shit job slinging snot to get something to my horribly evil ex-wife whom accrues about $50,000 a year working for the Post Office…..My son is taken care of, I am not a deadbeat father but I am depressed and stressed and out of Zoloft…so things seem worse than ever…I am tired of not having anything to toast to…I want nothing more than to be sitting next to my wife Lori in about 40 years and have someone toast that we did “our best, shot for the moon and took no prisoners while reaching for the stars”…I want nothing more than to hear that…but I will not ever hear that until I start doing things my way!  Until I start doing what I love and say what I want.  I’ve always known I wouldn’t do things the cookie cutter way but I tried, I tried so hard to fight what I really want.  What I want for me, for my family, for this world.  I know I have much more to give.  I know I am here for more than just witty comebacks and fat jokes in front of friends and family.

The only way to find happiness is to start making it.

I AM pajamaMOUTH and you WILL be hearing from me soon…VERY soon!

“Thoughts during a tornado while ducking down by wine bottles at a Walmart Superstore”

A Tornado has been spotted 10 minutes from here, moving in our direction.  Where am I?  I’m at the Walmart Superstore, hoping for safety but I got laughs instead……

My wife just informed me that a guy from our neighborhood is here too.  Rumor has it that this particular guy cheated on his wife with a 400lb whale that would and has allowed anyone to just walk right into her stankhole….hmm, thoughts begin to flutter….Glad I could be dying next to the core of humanity’s moral fiber…if he collapses, he is on his own, if he has been able to survive sex with a whale AND continued living afterwards while absorbing this whale’s past and present fluids, he’ll be able to survive anything.  He won’t need my help.  So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.  Thanks LamMAH!
More thoughts float about….huh, Looking around the crowd…there just might be one or two losses the world would end up missing…
Flutter, flutter….One of the only times being fat may be a life saving tool is during a tornado.  One, you have blubber to catch shrapnel before it hits a major organ and two, lets see this wind pick me up before that woman that has the scowl on her face with the eating disorder…maybe if she ate something she wouldn’t have stomach pain, ever think of that dipshit?….Ooop, add one more that might be missed…man, where did you come from lady?  Seeing her in here is like seeing a Victoria Secrets model wandering into a ComicCon….
Jesus, already there’s about 8 older women who have found lawn chairs and blankets and have huddled around each other undoubtedly bitching about how cold this section of the store is.  A tornado is coming and they are complaining about how expensive beef jerky is, when they haven’t tasted beef jerky since their sophomore year in college…and that beef jerky belonged to Susan, the resident dorm lesbian down the hall.  She use to break in all of the curious or confused…..
My mind is going crazy when I see a little kid in a basket…with a mohawk.  Should they just go ahead and start a wrap sheet on the 5 year old boys with mohawks?  Just to get the paperwork started, right?  You just know that his mother has a tramp stamp the size of the grill from a ’79 Buick above her ass crack and a barbell through her clit the size of a railroad tie……..MAN, Camel Toe is an epidemic in this store……a stampede of Camel Toe, if you will…..
Huh, I wonder what…..oh wait, we have the all clear…the tornado missed us, we’re safe and unfortunately for us, so are the rest of these people.

Just more of my pajamaMOUTH thoughts…..

Dr. Phil’s Reasonings in Relationships? The Way or the Wicked?

On The Dr. Phil Show : Tonight’s Episode : “Angry Women, Scared Men!”

Cropped image from this file - President and M...

Image via Wikipedia

Dr. Phil :  “Now I know, he knows and the audience knows…for a FACT, that when you are punching Johnny, you’re husband, in the back of his head, mmkay, repeatedly, mmkay, that, that its not really about the amount of baby bottles he has made, which wasn’t to your liking…mmkay…It’s really not about that, now is it? It’s your anger at your father, isn’t it?”

Angry Woman #1 : (Crying) “No….no Dr. Phil…..Its not, you’re right, Its NOOOTTTT…(Crying uncontrollably)

Now, I knew it!  And he knew it! But if he would have said that to her right at that moment….he would have been DEAD! 

While being punched in the back of the head, the Scared Man #1’s attempt at telling her the Dr. Phil McGraw‘s way of relationship communication would’ve went more like this :

Scared Man #1 : (whack) Now honey, (whack) I know its not the baby bottle (whack) that’s upsetting you. (whack) It’s really that you are pissed off (whack) at your dad for (whack) killing himself! (whack)(whack,whack,whack,whack)…….Have you ever thought your dad isn’t DEAD?!?! HE JUST MIGHT BE HIDING???!!!!!

I can tell you I had an incident with my ex wife, my wife at the time.  Try having a wife with extreme adult A.D.D. with fits of rage and violence….try having an EX wife with all of these attributes.  Now try having an EX wife and having a kid with her…yeah, thats fun.  Its like knowing you have to hang out with a crack head for 12 hours straight with only a half hour worth of crack for her to smoke.  As soon as that crack wears off…Katie BAR the DOOR!” 

My ex wife once got so angry at me for not chopping an onion the “right” way….I had to back out of the kitchen never taking my eyes off of her, not knowing what she might do next…..I just shut my mouth…took the knife WITH me, backed away slowly and NEVER taking my eyes off of the animal.  Now let me tell you what would have happened if I tried the Dr. Phil way of communication :

ME(Scared Man #2) : “So I told this kid at work today—What?—What’s wrong hun?–Huh?—-

EX Wife (Angry Woman #2) : “I said….How could you? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? (enraged) HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE THAT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO CHOP ONIONS THE RIGHT WAY!?!?!”

ME (Scared Man #2) : “Sweetheart, now I know its really not my poor culinary skills chopping an onion…Its really your father that you are angry with not giving you the love that you always thought you deserved. Now isn’t it?”

She would have, in one giant swoop, used some sort of superhuman attribute that is only given to those stricken with adult A.D.D. with moments of uncontrollable rage…she would have grabbed the knife and slit my throat and cut off my balls in a blink of an eye!  It would have been so fast that my head would have hit the floor before my balls would have eventhough, anatomically, it would’ve seemed impossible…until that one moment in time.

But, instead, I chose the option that only a well-seasoned-reality-based, been-through-many-relationships-with-women-expert would have chosen.  She was my second divorce. I’m not perfect.  I’ve had a handful of crazy relationships in my 35 years.  “Only a handful?” You might ask? Yes. I didnt say a dozen or more.  If you reach that statistic, you’re NOT and expert as much as you are incredibly stupid or insecure…or both! Some people are addicted to those type of relationships.  I should’ve known by my ex-wife’s most recent boyfriend.  He was a crackhead.  Literally.  I knew then, something wicked this way comes….Just that that was who she was attracting to her life.  I did a HUGE amount of personal inventory are finding that out!  But I ahve learned my lesson…only a handful…but sometimes you go into it knowing she is crazy.  Sometimes its fun to find a girl who will sing in the choir on Sunday mornings and then spend her Sunday evenings shitting on your chest.  You get just a little curious as to what possibly can happen next!

Unfortunately, sometimes she has a violent temper-tantrum at your inability to chop an onion the “right” way and you have learned to shut your mouth and back away slowly….never taking your eyes off of the beast!

 

Those are my thoughts, so stay kind World and love yourself and one another.

Phil McGraw photographed for the cover of News...

Image via Wikipedia

I am pajamaMOUTH.